Saturday, September 4, 2010

Update 5/11/2010

Our doctors appointment was yesterday. We decided that it was just too early at that point to be induced. Truth is we hemmed and hawed until she suggested a compromise. Thursday. She said that it could be a several day process. They will have to use a gel to soften things up before they can even begin the pitosin.

Looks like I might be getting comfy at university hospital!

We’ve decided not to wait past this week because of her concerns for mine and Gideon’s well being. Its not a decision we have made lightly or with out a lot of prayer.

That’s the newsy stuff. If we go into labor naturally before that my friend Sara will be periodically updating my face book but other than that, its just a waiting game.

I can’t thank you all enough for your words of encouragement and your prayers. Sometime when the dust settles I hope to have the time to thank each of you individually. It is really amazing to think that people all around the world are praying for us.

I’ve had so much on my mind these past few days. The closer we get the more we fight a battle against fear. The Devil likes to make us believe there is no hope. Sometimes it is so easy to get sucked into that lie.

I find myself fighting against being angry and bitter and resentful. Those are my enemies these days. Just as this journey has revealed strength I didn’t know I had, it has also revealed some very ugly things in my life that I must bring to my maker to refine. It was at my doctor in town that I found myself really, well, ugly.

It was a very young girl, she couldn’t have been more that 20, I am guessing close to 17. Coming for her follow up carrying her beautiful baby boy. With her, I can only assume her boyfriend. Who nonchalantly proclaimed when he discovered how long that we had been waiting that he just couldn’t wait that long because he was on parole and he only had so much time away from home. And the ugly in me came to the surface. Why to they get to have a healthy baby? Do they even know how to be parents? Do they have any concept of what it takes to provide for a baby? Why do they get to have a beautiful, healthy baby boy….well you get the point. Like I said it is not pretty. Not pretty at all.

It’s even worse then the “why me monster.” because I can usually step back, I realize, why not me? This judgmental ugly me is what I must turn over the refiner and pray that walking through this fire will remove that in me.

God, grow compassion in me and not resentment. Grow love, and not anger. Teach me not to judge others and remove the cancer of judgment in my life. Help me to remember that only through your grace are any of us worthy to approach your throne.

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