Monday, July 11, 2011

fireflies: Who'd of thunk a bunch of bugs trying to get lucky would be so awe inspiring?

In all reality I am not functioning nearly as well as I appear to be. I cry all the time, every day. Even at that I don't really cry enough. For the past week I’ve been fantasizing about pounding my fists on the ground above where is little body is laid to rest and just screaming. Screaming at the earth because it gets to hold him and i do not.

but i don't, I’ve been much too lady like in my crying and i think the stress hormones are beginning to build up in my system. my stomach hurts all the time, my joints hurt and i am ALWAYS tired.

I am not a huge fan of Sunday's, generally speaking. Sunday's are my workweek Mondays, i usually to into church for the early service and share a quick lunch and maybe some chill time with David and then off to work. My Sunday's at work are all sessions, family therapy and meeting with kids so i don't even remotely ease into my week. to top that off, Gideon passed away on a Sunday morning.

we were supposed to be on the worship team that Sunday. I remember calling our pastor to let him know Gideon just didn't seem right and we were going to stay home with him around 8:30. with in the hour he was gone.

This past Sunday, yesterday makes three months since my mighty little warrior was welcomed into heaven. I am sure with a trumpet blast and some might shouts.

down here i am tempted just to break the pottery.

David and i joined the worship team yesterday, our scheduled day, from a schedule made long before we could even know the sad anniversary yesterday would mark. I had a hunch it was going to be a rough day and so i girded my loins so to speak.

I showed up for work and my very thoughtful coworker had stocked the fridge with some sugar free chocolate (I'm on a weight loss journey but that's a different story) with a little note. I chose my sessions carefully and made it through the day with my tear ducts still intact. By 8:30 my notes were done and i was out the door making my typical bee line for my car.

but something slowed my hasty dash to the car, slowed it to a stop.

lightning bugs. i was suddenly stunned by how beautiful they were, making the twilight sparkle, little orbs of light rising magical from the ground. Something about them, I don't know what reminded me that God keeps his promises, and for a moment, for a short ride home, i was peaceful, still and even a little bit happy.

For me, lately, those moments are a rarity, and I am grateful for them. I was reminded of at least one thing I gleaned fighting to focus against my own distracted mind.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. Heb10.23.NIV