Saturday, September 4, 2010

don't tell my boss but...April 28, 2010

I am at work, and should be working. But somehow anything that requires me to think about work just isn’t connecting today.

We saw our doctor yesterday. Gideon weighs about six pounds. Small but she suspects the measurements are being dragged down by his head size and his hesitant to diagnose a growth restriction. She thinks I will go into labor soon, before my appointment on Monday. We plan to meet with the neonatal doctors on Monday to talk about a care plan for Gideon. We are going to talk about some options after he is born. Mostly David and I want to emphasize our desire to hold our son if our time is going to be short.

I want to breathe in every moment I have with him. I want to remember his smell, feel his toes, touch his hands, and kiss his face. Everything. I continue to believe that God can, and God will do something amazing. At the same time, I need to prepare my heart for the grief that might be part of His miracle for our lives.

I know I must be prepared to praise Him no matter what, but right now...I just want to break apart. I am crying today. I am hurting today. When I think about my family coming to see him. We should be celebrating, not talking about holding him while we let him go. I am in a place of brokenness right now and it’s hard to write. There is a lot I want to tell you about, like what a blessing my friends have been, there are good things happening.

Right now, in this moment I am sad and so very broken. Somehow I have to pull myself together to run a therapy group for 18 teenage boys in 20 minutes. So many thoughts I want to share and I’m afraid I might not have time too. Hopefully Saturday, or even later this week I will have more time. Time and more thoughts collected. Until then, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I know they have kept me going this far

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