Tuesday, December 20, 2011

the other side

Its hard to believe that two years ago I was doing the same thing. Yesterday I made an appointment for and ultrasound. A routine, twenty week, gestational age, screen for abnormalities, ultrasound. I was surprised by how emotional it was, just calling to make an appointment. I chose a different location, it was a relief to know that was even and option. I have some pretty strong emotions when it comes to ultrasounds, But baby number two is on the way and hopefully this ultrasound will put some fears to rest.

Two years might as well be two decades ago. I know that all babies turn their parents lives upside down, that even if that ultrasound two years ago had been perfect and everything was all right we would still be two very different people two years later. It would be a different kind of different though. This is the kind of different that makes it almost impossible to put all the fears to rest.

My faith tells me that God will carry me. He has through all of this. But my experience warns me that it may not be easy. God's grace will heal me, but healing is not the absence of pain, is the process of going through it to the other side. And some days I reminded, I'm not so close to the other side as I'd like to be.

Today a friend asked me to connect with a friend. A family who has been given a diagnosis that, in the natural, will claim their baby's life. She shared that this family is considering terminating the pregnancy but has not been able to find a hospital that will do the procedure. For those of you who know me personally and any of you who have followed this blog for any amount of time, its no secret that I feel very strongly about the value of every life, and that I am an advocate for the unborn. But here I walk onto fragile ground.

How can I communicate to this family how much I believe that choosing life is the best choice with out communicating judgment?

I remember that moment when they offered us the choice to terminate my pregnancy. To abort Gideon. I remember saying no, from a place of obedience. But I also remember the turmoil and the pain of those days, vividly. I want to find her and plead with her to choose life for her baby, I want to share my story and the story of others who have carried babies with terminal conditions. I want her to see that it was worth it, even if I had only held Gideon for an instant. But I also need to respect her choice as a mother and a person and offer her the support and compassion that my heart cries to give. I hope and I pray that she chooses life, not because it agrees with my opinion, but because in my heart, I know how grateful I am to have been given every gift that was Gideon’s life and his passing, and my heart grieves for those who would go through the pain of the loss and miss out on the gift that is the life.