Wednesday, September 22, 2010

6/18/10 show me the money

I am hurting today. It started yesterday as a sat and held him for a while, just the two of us, skin to skin. He slept peacefully on my chest and my mind wandered. Every day we have him I love him more. He is becoming a part of our lives. The longer he is here the harder it will be when he is not. It is so wonderful to have him, but bittersweet too.
I’d done so well for a few weeks, warded of the ache that bleeds so many tears. This isn’t want I was planning on being my next thought to share with you. I just got so busy living and loving my son that I put of telling you about the lesion I learned on the way to Wal-Mart to buy diapers.

But today it hits me the temporariness of this gift. The gift of his life. It is a beautiful gift. Sometimes when he wakes me up four times in the middle of the night it is hard to remember this is the gift. I caught myself thinking the other day how much work newborns are. They are cute and cuddly for sure but the sleep deprivation can easily become the focus of my thoughts. I remember thinking, man I have to do all the work of the newborn and won’t get the reward to watching him grow out of this stage. I pondered on this a bit as it became uncomfortable familiar. Like being pregnant and complaining that I had to go through all the uncomfortable of pregnancy and might not even get to hold my baby.

Ugh. There I go again. What’s in it for me? Where is my reward for all this work?

Why God, why won’t you, why didn’t you, why haven’t you yet, healed my son? All this work, all this investment but no return.

Then He reminds me. Gently. This is the gift. Having your son for as long as you have had him is a gift. Every moment is a gift. And I remember it’s a gift I don’t deserve. I still believe God can heal my son. I still believe I could take that bandage off one night and everything would be perfectly whole. But even if it never is, even if this life is filled with pain and I don’t see physical healing, I will praise His name.

Because I believe that God wants to bless us and we can and should ask and prepare for that blessing. Physical healing, wealth, health all of those things are icing on the cake, gifts are given because we are loved but sometimes gifts that are withheld because we are loved. But I also believe there is no greater reward than the spilled blood of Christ. With that I am learning to be satisfied.

My son is teaching me to stop seeking the gift and start desiring to be with the giver. So today I will trust my God that He sees my tears and holds them. That he wants to hold me through my hurt. That His will is perfect and that is enough.

No comments:

Post a Comment