Saturday, September 4, 2010

thoughts 4/14/10...because of a pee test

28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[j] who[k] have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written:

"For your sake we face death all day long;

we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."[l] 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:28-39

I am so grateful that God has promised he will work this out for good. In my good moments I can really embrace this and praise God for what he is doing and going to do through this time. I cling to this passage as a comfort and promise.

If Gideon is born just the way the doctors predict he will be, I am suspicious that it is not that God didn’t heal him, but that there was nothing he was to be healed of. that Gideon was made exactly the way he was supposed to be for a plan, and a purpose. That his life, however how long or short, was exactly the way God meant it to be. God, after all, does not make mistakes. Just because it seems like one to us doesn’t mean God made a mistake. In some bright moments I am able to embrace this. I am able to be so grateful that I get to be the one who brings Gideon into the world, who shares his story with you. I am grateful for being used by God for this purpose.

In my not so good moments I want to scream at him. “I don’t care about your stinking plan. I don’t care what good you are going to do with this. This hurts too much. It cannot be worth it! I want my son, whole, healed and mine to keep until I am old and gray and move myself onto the promised land long before him”.

A lot of the time I hover precariously between the two. Wishing I could be serene enough to only see the former, but knowing that I am still being perfected by Christ, trying not to beet myself up too much for the latter.

Today I had some quite time to sit when my doctor sent me to St. Mary’s hospital to keep tabs on my blood pressure for a bit. Just a precaution, nobody panic. I am getting better at solitude. Better at listening. But it was hard today, being in the place where if everything had gone like it was “supposed” to I would be delivering Gideon. Hard not to be angry and sad. And I am weary of the battle I fight against despair. Sometimes I am just so tired it aches to move.

Thank you for listening. Thank you to my friend Jared who called just to check in on me. my La Leche League friends who without even realizing it have met one my greatest needs. Something I said to my husband…I could really use this but something that I would, in my control freak, perfectionist self, never admit or ask for. To my coworkers who don’t freak out when they catch me crying at my desk, to my boss who doesn’t haggle or question when I have to spend my afternoon in the hospital and not at work. My church family who emails me to let me know they are thinking about me and praying for me.

For these things and countless others I am grateful in ways I cannot express.

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