Saturday, September 4, 2010

summer on the way Thoughts: 4/9/10

I’ve been watching the trees very carefully this year. Every late spring/early summer I look up and think “wow when did the trees get green?” so this year I am taking note-everyday. Watching them turn greener and every time I remember to notice-it makes me smile. It’s nice to smile.

At the same time it’s hard-wanting to slow things down and notice the small changes. Enjoy all the moments while at the same time wishing I could just be over and done with this very uncomfortable and dark time in my life.

It’s been a long time since a posted anything and I could blame it on being busy. It’s not because I haven’t a thousand things on my mind to post. Just making the make sense of it all at once sometimes is more energy than I can muster.

I’ve started a note in my head lots of times. According to the calendar I am due in less than a month and the closer I get the more difficult this journey is becoming on my emotions.

I cry pretty much every day. I cried every day this week. I usually feel better after a good cry-it seems to help. It was a bit awkward to have my doctor walk in on my having my daily meltdown. She asked me if I wanted to talk to the hospital social worker. I told her I am a social worker. She asked if I was having thoughts of hurting myself or others. I only quipped that I had contemplated kicking David for his gum chewing (For the record I was able to ask quite nicely when the my nerves couldn’t handle even the gentle chewing)

Sometimes I am cranky lately.

The truth was I was getting what I needed from my wonderful, patient husband who just listens and lets me cry.

I’ve found myself a lot in that place, where if you been following my for a while, you know I’ve been before.

Thinking about miracles. The beauty of belief in a loving, powerful God is hope that Gideon could and very well might be an amazing miracle. The kind that makes doctors scratch their heads.

The dark side-and it’s really a small price to pay- is that everything is so unknown. I can’t quite rejoice, can’t quiet grieve yet.

Sometimes knowing something bad is going to happen feels more safe that not knowing what is going to happen at all.

I was lead the other day to re-read the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. Three Jewish kids in captivity still trying to worship the one true God in a land that did not agree. One day the king decided everybody is going to bow down to him and when these three don’t he threatens to throw them in the furnace. (That is the seriously abbreviated version) their reply from the book of Daniel.

16 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

And David and I found an answer to our questions about miracles. We have decided to think as the example they have set for us. Our God CAN, our God WILL, but even if he doesn’t heal our son, we will praise him.

Its saves me from having to think too much about if God will heal Gideon or not. All I have to focus on his that no matter what he does, faith is trusting him no matter what happens.

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