Wednesday, August 3, 2011

one line. not two.

one line.  not two.

It occurs to me, just now, that it’s not just about wanting to be pregnant. That feeling I get in my chest when I see pregnant women, or when I have to swallow that lump to be able to express the genuine happiness I have for others who are so blessed.   It’s not that being around pregnant women makes me jealous, that being around those with healthy babies makes me envious.

Pregnant women, small babies, force me to confront my loss. Not being pregnant forces me to confront my loss. Not just the loss of Gideon, but all of the other losses that awful waffle pile upon that loss.

I can’t even begin to list them all, all the things I have lost. I don’t want to get fooled in to thinking that when I get pregnant, if I get pregnant again, everything will be ok. It’s just not so. I won’t magically stop missing Gideon so much it aches, I won’t be excited and happy.

More likely I will simply have to, yet again confront more losses. I will never be the same. I wouldn't want to be the same. But that doesn’t always make this process hurt less. Because it does hurt. It hurts physically, the tidal wave of emotions, the sadness and the tears, overflow tsunami like into my stomach, my joints, my head and I am physically impacted by this grief.

Being pregnant will not fix this. I will not “fill” me. And I feel guilty because I know women who have never gotten to bepregnant. Suddenly I just feel selfish for wanting more, when I have already been given more than I deserve. 
but with each negative test (all three of them since testing has even been meaningful she says to highlight just how neurotic she is really being...) fear creeps in. 

and I am challenged once again to turn it over to the one who conquers all fear and replaces it with perfect love.  the One who can fix me, who can fill me. 

Monday night David and I had a conversation about the Israelites in the dessert.  (Exodus 17) They were so ungrateful.  They said "God, you brought us out here to die.  We ain't got not water and we are going to die.  we could have done that in slavery" well, that's the paraphrased version.  I don't want to be ungrateful.  I am so blessed to be Gideon's momma, more blessed that i have ever been.  But I questioned God, i became like the Israelites while criticizing them. Water, seriously they are griping about water.  I want a baby, i want to stop hurting, now that is something to gripe about.  I was angry that God gave them water, but he won't give me something a simple as another pregnancy.  two lines, that's all I'm asking!  This was hard for David to understand, he is a very cognitive person, and for a moment he spoke Vulcan and i Klingon.  his heart broke for me because he couldn't see how i could see the blessing and be whining like the Israelites all at the same time. 

But my head knowing i am blessed doesn't always stop my heart from aching, anymore than being grateful to survive a car accident will make those broken bones and whiplash go away any faster. 

Like the Israelites in the dessert I am thirsty.  What I will learn from them is that God is faithful and He will quench my thirst.  And like the Israelites, i am sure i will be surprised where the water comes from.