Thursday, August 5, 2010

Friday, January 8, 2010 at 12:56pm my first face book post, and the beginning of my journey toward this blog. 

Well, today we went to my OB. University hospital had not sent her results yet but we talked about some of our options. It was really encouraging that she is nearly convinced this is not a genetic thing, she was really proactive about making sure we have enough information for the future. What that means is that if she is right, there is a strong possibly that Gideon will someday have a younger brother or sister who is healthy and “normal”. It looks like I might be still able to do most of my visits here in town but just go up to Chicago for follow up tests and ultra sounds.

I’ve decided to keep a sort of online journal. I’ll use the first part for updates about how Gideon is doing. There’s a lot on my mind, and I find sometimes I need to get it out of my head. I’d like to say my motives are not selfish, but in some ways they are. Though this journey I realized I need support, so I thought it would make sense to let you in on more than just the details doctors give us, but on the emotional and spiritual journey my husband and I are embarking on. Like I said, I won’t be offended if you just want to read the first parts and leave my ramblings for those with too much free time.

I have my moments where I am positive and strong. And I have my moments were I just feel paralyzed by fear, sadness and grief. Yesterday was full of both. When we found out about the microcephaly the hospital offered to terminate the pregnancy. I wish I could say that saying no thank you was complete  act of compassion and love, but at that point, it was obedience to a sovereign God, because there was, and still sometimes is, a part of me that just wants to give up. It just felt and feels so huge. I cried, we sobbed. Everything was all wrong. I watched the snow fall gently outside the window and felt my dreams crash all around me when the words “very concerning” “eighty percent chance he will be restarted” “will need to deliver at a hospital with a NICU (neonatal intensive care unit)” thudded on the table of the small room me, David, my mom and his dad were stuffed into. And so I spent the ride home in silence, contemplating my loss, wondering how I would ever get out of bed again. And that was my plan, go home, get in bed and just stay there forever.

On the way home God reminded me the words of Job. “naked I came from my mother’s womb, naked I shall return. The Lord gave the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord”. And I think God reminded me what a compliment this is. I remember reading once a mother of special needs children talking about how it takes special people to raise special needs children. Though I’ll confess, I’d like to be a little less special.
So I got home and got in bed and intended to stay there. But I couldn’t do it. I realized that giving up just wasn’t a viable option. I can’t give in to despair. It is just not an option. My grandmother had a plaque on her wall that said “the will of God will never lead you where the Grace of God cannot keep you”. when I was little I was like “phew that means there I placed I don’t have to go”. I have realized that what that really means is that God will provide the grace and strength I need, when I need it. Just when I need it, not a moment too soon but not a moment too late…when I think of all of things I wanted for my children I remembered the most important was that they live a life that points others towards God. There is no reason that Gideon, whatever his disabilities can’t do this important thing. It is my own selfishness and narcissism that is angry that my baby wont’ be smart.

I re-read the verses in Job and realized a part I had missed.

“At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." So there are my instructions. Worship the Lord.

I hope I can be the mother God wants me to be. I am praying for the strength to accept this with humility and courage but I won’t lie and say I’m there. The Lord has to be my strength because I don’t have it. I was telling David this morning that I am going to have to post scriptures all around the house and say them to myself often. Say them out loud because I falter often, I feel week, tired and scared a lot of the time. I speak what I know is the truth hoping that someday I will be able to fully believe all the words that come out of my mouth.

I read “You are Special” by Max Lucado out loud last night. I want to read it as much as I can because I want me to remember and Gideon to know that God made him and God doesn’t make mistakes.

Your support has meant the world to me and I can’t say how many of you have so fully reinforced what God is revealing to my day by day. Thank you. More updates soon

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