Thursday, August 26, 2010

Thoughts 2.10.10

Thoughts 2.10.10

To say that God will work things out is taking a lot of faith right now. I know that God can do miracles. It’s that God will do something in this situation. It’s a lot easier to believe in miracles in others peoples lives. I don’t sense right not that God s is going to make things all better in this one. I have hope that He will give us strength we need to face whatever comes.

I remember as child telling my mom “I hate you right now”. I remember very clearly knowing that I didn’t’ really hate my mom, that in a little while when I calmed down I loved and trusted my mom to do what was best for me. So I wouldn’t really hate my mom. I just “hated” her then-in that moment. Yesterday I had those moments with God. I just wanted to scream “I hate you, why are you letting this happen. Why do you hate me, what did I do to deserve this?” but like I could never bring myself to say such a final thing to my mom like I hate you (with out the “right now” addendum) I couldn’t bring myself to say I hate you to God.

That’s not to say I didn’t do some, well, yelling at God yesterday. I am still sulking a little today. List night during a very tear filled ride home from work I wanted to do something destructive. The closest I could come up with, save really going bonkers and breaking my dishes, was to carry all the baby stuff upstairs and throw it in the nursery. Out of sight.

And then I sobbed. Susan Lucci for a daytime Emmy sobbed. I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. This is never going to end; it’s never going to get better. I’ll never have my own life again. When other moms are going to high school football games and choir concerns, I am going to be changing a 16 year olds diaper. (Remember id did say daytime Emmy here - I wasn’t kidding about the drama queen bit here).

So at the end of my pity party, what do I do now? What do I do when I am done sitting on my ashes? (That is a reference to Job, not a typo, I promise)

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