Friday, August 6, 2010

Saturday, January 23, 2010 at 4:01pm

Yesterday I caught myself trying to talk myself into worrying. I was thinking, “this is pretty serious business, a lot could go wrong here. You are way to calm. You should really be freaking out more. Don’t you remember your baby could be born with serious disabilities? Don’t you remember how bad this could be? What kind of mom are you not thinking more about this?”

What is it about worry that is so seductive? I have been blessed with peace that I don’t understand and yet I try to talk myself in to worry? My very short commute has become my thinking time and as I drove past the dormant corn fields I began to realize that worry creates the illusion that I am doing something. Peace involves surrender, worry gives me the illusion that by doing something I have control of something. Like a strange parasite, worry tricks me into feeding the wrong thing and my soul shrivels while I blissful, ignorantly think that by worrying I am controlling something. But I am not in control. God is. He has told me that in ways solid and steady, yet the enemy likes to fog the water, tricking me into thinking that I can control something by worrying about it. But Jesus said “who by worrying adds a day to his life”. So I will not worry, a least not today…

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