Sunday, April 3, 2011

april fools...

I hate April fools day.  I shared this with my husband who promptly insisted that i must have a traumatic experience with April fools and probed like a therapist just out of grad school into my deep dark secret April fools day past. 

no deep dark secrets.  Just a general loathing for being tricked, lied to, embarrassed and all other things along those lines.  that being said i don't generally play April fools jokes on others.  so when i told everyone on Friday (April 1st) that i quit my job there was no fooling involved, though part of me wished there was.  I wished that i could wake up April second and God would give me wink and say "April fools! your life has not been completely turned upside down by a long series of unpredictable life events that have shaken you to your core!"

"you should have seen the look on your face"

I really did mean for the big news the week to be about our trip to the plastic surgeon.  That adventure was largely anticlimactic.  we didn't really gain any new information so much as shared information.  We were charmed by the personable, surprisingly young, doctor who introduced himself by his first name minus the title doctor.  He wants to do some more consultation with the neurosurgeon and another plastic surgeon and then reconvene.  I wonder if plastic surgeons who do reconstructive work like him get offended by the connotation of "plastic" surgery?

So as we know, I will let you know...several days later when i finally have five minutes that i am not working, nursing, or sleeping. 

But soon, and very soon, one of those will be a much smaller part of that equation.   I have been fantasizing about all of the things i will get done not working full time.  things i will clean, blogs i will update, craft projects i will do.  I am thinking that is a defence mechanism to avoid the complete terror of becoming a one income family.  A one income family whose one income was the less consistent and smaller of the two.

Its a huge leap of faith for us and though i want to fully trust that this is the right thing to do it was my idea, which is generally suspect. there is a strong possibility I will spend a significant amount of time second guessing myself, feeling guilty that i really should be able to be superwomen and work full time and manage all of Gideon's needs. But considering he has not made significant weight gains since August and will only eat reliably when he nurses and i am always rearranging my schedule to get appointments with doctors and specialists and he has not started physical therapy because i can't find time to take him, the superwoman things is pretty much a big fat lie. 

I'll tell myself those are excuses at least a few more times before i am finally gracious enough to myself to give myself permission to have only one full time job. 

so now begins a brand new adventure.  no foolin. 


  1. kati,

    As you know, with God, provided you are following His will, all things are possible. I did not work for 3 years when the kids were babies, and it was tough, but we made it. However, the decision to return to school, coupled with my husband's disability, total loss of all, and I mean ALL income, has made us HAVE to rely on Him just for our daily existence. However, it has brought us closer to Him than EVER before in our lives. We have learned to trust, rely on and pray to Him... for EVERYTHING. I know this was not our will, but His, and we are learning more daily on the grace and blessings He gives. Whenever we wondered how to pay whatever outstanding bill was due (or else), there the money was, by SOME means, by His means.

    I hope that soul bearing has helped to uplift you, and know that He WILL make all things work out. No matter how dark it may seem, do not fear, for He IS with you all. Blessings to you and your family, and our prayers are with you.

  2. hello...just a quiet hello and words of prayer for you today. i was sent an email letting me know that you had lost your son and i came over to "meet" him. what a precious little seems you chose the perfect name :) i am a stranger to you but a sister in grief, and just wanted to let you know i was praying for you all.

    with love,
    angie (audrey's mommy)