Yesterday was the anniversary of the day my life got turned upside down. Turned upside down, thrown up against away and put through the spin cycle just for good measure. Yesterday as the anniversary of the day we went for our level two ultrasound to determine what was causing our baby's head to measure so small.
I've been keenly aware the past couple of weeks that yesterday was coming. I watched pensively as the days were i could say "last year we were normal, last year everything was OK. Last year at this time we were so excited..." slipped away.
In my life there is a very distinct before and after. Before January 7, 2010 and after January 7, 2010.
I would often catch myself saying, "remember last year this time. we were so excited. so full of hopes and dreams..."
what a difference a year can make. You might say 2010 was not our year. But then again, maybe it was.
These past few weeks i have been drawn to Psalm 84:10
"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked." I don't think its inaccurate to paraphrase that verse by saying, "i would rather be the guy who answers the door in Gods house than to be high on the hog living in the mansions of the wicked"
2010 was by far the hardest year of my life. I have never cried more, hurt more or grieved more in any other year of my life. But it was also a year that I was drawn more near to the heart of my savior that i have ever been. That Psalm is constantly reminding me that no matter how much this hurt, how much i just want to make it go awayy sometimes. I am being made more like my Savior and that is worth something...
Dearest Mama,
ReplyDeleteI was directed to your blog today by another mama who thought I would be interested in your story. And interested I am - for I am the mother of the sweetest little boy named Gideon who filled my empty arms after the loss of his brother.
As I've begun to read your blog, 2 things have come to mind: 1, I'm hesitant to respond to you knowing that my Gideon is napping behind me in his cradle and 2, I have a deep and profound respect for those who cling to the Lord in the face of devastating loss as you have. As I've read several blogs of Christian mothers who have endued loss I have seen too many of them destroy their testimony in the outpouring of their grief. It disturbs me and causes me to turn away. However when I encounter a hurting mama who eat, sleeps,and breathes Jesus... I want to know more. I want to go deep with her.
When I reached this entry, I had to respond. You see, my world was altered on January 7, 2010. It was my daughter's 2nd birthday. I was 17.5 weeks pregnant and had an OB appointment schedule for that morning. I was tempted to reschedule, as it was just a mundane routine appointment. Infact, I nearly went alone. But somewhere deep inside me I was carrying a concern that something was wrong.
Imagining the worst, I pushed my thoughts away and dressed for the day. I still remember what I wore that day - the maternity shirt I had bought to celebrate the day we saw our little one's heart beating for the first time. I loved that shirt. It was blue with white pin stripes. I haven't worn it since.
We were all smiles when my doctor breezed into the room. As she probed my belly with the doppler she spoke to it, "you're going to make me go get the sonogram machine, aren't you?!" I beamed at her and emphatically nodded yes. However, the minute she placed the probe on my belly we all knew... there was no movement. My baby was curled up in a still, silent ball at the bottom of my womb with not a single spark of life.
The following day I was admitted to the hospital for induction. I gave birth to a son and we gave him the name we had already picked out for him - Caleb Enoch. It hurts my heart that I will never call his name, for I love it. Caleb was 4.9 ounces and 8.6 inches and there was not a thing wrong with him except for the obvious deteriation brought on by death (he died approximately 5 days before he was born). My body had failed him.
In March I had an early miscarriage - my 6th (not counting Caleb) and in April I discovered we were pregnant again. When we discovered he was a boy we knew we wanted a Biblical warrior name. We already had a Joshua (first name) nad a David (middle name) and Caleb... we chose Gideon. Little did we know that Gideon would be born with a (non life threatening) birth defect and that he would need to be a fighter. Gideon Isaac was born in November at 34 weeks with a complete cleft lip and palate, as well as 2 holes in his heart (we go to the cardiologist next week to see if they have closed before we schedule him for his lip and palate repairs.
Anyway, I just want you to know that I am praying for you and that you will continue to let Jesus be your all.