Wednesday, October 19, 2011

on the couch

Hello to you all from the couch. Its been a long, long time since I have mustered the sensibility to collect my thoughts into something that could resemble a blog post. Work has been absolutely crazy these past few months. I have a new boss, who is wonderful and challenges me in so many ways. the upside = becoming a better clinician and coworker. The downside = it's hard work and I'm still working out my equilibrium in a new system.

Because I've been working so hard to get my new groove on, I’ve been pretty stressed out, and therefore pretty scattered.

even now, I’m standing in the middle of the round a bout trying to figure what exit to take.

I guess I’ll start with the reason for the couch sitting. the MANDITORY couch sitting. I am 9 weeks pregnant. We found out a week or so ago and let some close family and friends know. We got the word out the old fashion way-word of mouth. I wasn't planning on going public quite this fast. then yesterday it started to look like i was having a miscarriage.

200 miles from my doctor. 3 hours from home. I called Doc and she said to come in as fast as i could get there. I called my boss so she could cancel my appointment with a family later that day. And i called David, sobbing.

The three hour drive did give me time to think. I went the cycle of pity, anger, and hurt. Thank goodness my coworker (who shall remained unnamed to protect the innocent) turned on the radar detector and put the pedal to the medal home. It’s a little embarrassing to sob in front of your coworker. I mean we work in the business of feelings, but still…

In the end, I had to come to the same conclusion I usually do. God is faithful. He will not let a hurt come into my life that he does not have a plan for how to use for his kingdom.

But man, yesterday I was pretty tired of working for His kingdom and wanted some little bit of happiness for my family. (I write that with a little bit of a glance over my shoulder…its raining and that means lightning might not be far away). Thank goodness that what we feel, and sometimes think, in the process of growing is looked upon through a lens of mercy.

We waited for a short time and the doctor did and ultrasound. wouldn’t you know that little olive size stinker…I swear she waved at us. All head and little bitty arms and legs. She did a brief exam and determined that my cervix was closed and declared I was not to work tomorrow, or the next day for that matter. Bed rest until a least a week when she will see me again.

I think I heard her right and I am not even allowed to bathe. For those of you who might come and visit me, I apologize in advance.

David will still be flying to Virginia to visit his sister and his brand new baby niece. I am requesting that he does. He needs some time with baby Hannah. I’m very disappointed I can’t go and see Hannah and my brave Kelsi Grace (my oldest niece who will be very shortly headed to Germany with the Air Force)

in the long run, this couch and I will be glad for it when this moment has passed and they day comes that I will be sitting in this same spot nursing another little one, just like her (or his) big brother.

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