I had a snow day on Wednesday. I was really nice to spend the day relaxing, well mostly relaxing i had to do some work from home. It was supposedly the blizzard of the year. Meh...this Michigander is unimpressed.
Having the day off made me realize how nice it would be to be a stay at home mom. I am seethingly jealous of those of you who get to do it. It might happen for me someday but for now, i work and i pray.
my mom came down this past week and was huge help. It was good to spend the time with her and nice to have someone help out around the house. Having her here meant that there were lots of little things, like cooking, i didn't have to worry about for the week. we are working on getting the G-man to eat more solids and cereal with fruit or veggies is thus far a pretty big hit.
today however has been completely unproductive. amazing how a good dose of jealousy and self pity can really destroy what could have otherwise been a nice afternoon.
someone who i love very much is pregnant. I won't tell you who, don't ask, she can tell you when she wants to. who is not the point. the point is, when i should have been happy for her i was angry and sorry for myself. I really don't like being around pregnant people, and in all fairness its not their fault i feel that way. i thought it would get easier with time. its not. add to that it is getting harder and harder to be around people with little ones Gideon’s age.
I love you all, don’t get me wrong. I am excited for you as i see your ultrasound pictures up on face book and your super cute little ones who are now smiling, giggling, laughing, crawling, making eye contact with you...but the more i watch his cohorts grow, the more i am confronted by how different my life is. And I am even more tempted to feel sorry for myself. To lock myself in and not expend the energy it takes to be excited for other people. Great these days is the temptation to just shut down and wallow in self pity.
I should be grateful to have him for this long, to have so many people in my life who live him and love me. I should be thankful that I am able to have a son at all. But today instead of being grateful for my loved one I cried for half an hour, feeling sorry for myself.
I am just so tired or hurting, of being broken. Tired of every time I am starting to feel “normal” finding that piece of my broken life like that piece of glass the broom missed on the kitchen floor-jabbed into your foot.
I should put on my big girl pants and get over myself. I should be thankful for the gifts I have been given and be happy for the people in my life who are expecting great things.
I’ll blog about that tomorrow when I get there….
My struggles are in no way compared to yours, but I know jealousy well. I feel it watching other moms feed their child with ease and the child enjoying what is being fed. Mothers who got to experience the joys of breast feeding and who post photos of themselves holding their baby only minutes after an uncomplicated birth. I tried, as Im sure you have, to hold it all in and be "strong", but that only works for so long before the feelings start to leak out and the stress of the situation gets to you. I'm here if you ever need to vent.
ReplyDeleteSweetheart - I know how you feel. When I lost all of my babies - I couldn't look or be around friends that were expecting. It wasn't self-pity, it was normal heart break. Sometimes we just don't understand some things, but we are charged with proceeding into the unknown as if we did understand.
ReplyDeleteHonestly Kati - You have to feel how you feel. Denying those emotions are more harmful than you know.
You are in my prayers.
Diana
Thinking of you...and a reminder to not "should" all over yourself. You are doing an amazing job at being a mom...even on the worst days.
ReplyDeleteI like the way this lady put it....it just explained a lot....especially when realizing sometimes dreams die...but are replaced with other dreams.
http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html