this "normal" life

Four months. 

we celebrated four months on September 14th. We have cake every month.  we celebrate months because we may not get years.  for three months we had cake at PJ's ice cream and coffee.  I cried while ordering the cake.  it's pretty hard to explain why you are ordering a cake that says "happy 1/4" with out the waterworks. 

since last I wrote...
My grandmother passed away mid July and we went home to her funeral.  it was a crappy reason to see everybody but maybe it was grandma's way of making sure everybody got to meet him. 

Gideon started nursing, really nursing in August.  it was such a strange transition, all of a sudden, like he had been doing it all his life and those days of agonizing attempts to breastfeed were like a different life. 

Part of the reason i haven't posted anything new in a while is because i have been busy, the last "new" thoughts i posted was when my grandmother passed away.  But mostly because i have been kind of stuck.  not stuck in a bad way, or a good way.  Just, not much going on, while a lot is going on all at the same time.  going back to work has been really hard on me.  i am just so tired every way around.  And other than Gids learning to nurse, its' been a pretty boring life. 

To tell the truth, i am pretty worn out and tired most of the time.  i try to stay focused on the positive and live each day with gratitude but I'll admit chronic stress takes a physical toll.  everyday i think i just can't do it anymore, i am just too tired.  it's a very good thing God never gets to tired or my goose would be cooked. 

one of my favorite books about grief and loss is called Tear Soup.  eventually i am going to get myself a copy. I use it at work for expressive therapy about grief and loss but i think i have really learned more about grieving from it than the kids ever will. Soup making is a metaphor for loss and one of the points the wise old woman Grandy makes in the book makes is how strange it seems that others have gone back to their normal lives while her soup still has a long way to being done.

sometimes i wonder...when will my story become old news?  Not that it is about me, or that I need everybody to be paying attention.  But i wonder, are you sick smelling my soup? 

it would be OK if you were.  Sometimes I am.  I'd like to just forget how I live in the balance between grieving and joy and sometimes I'd like to just pretend that everything is completely normal.  well as "normal" as anything ever is.