Dear Little Man

My dear sweet little boy, My mighty warrior, my handsome little man,

Yesterday was mother's day, tomorrow will be a month since you left us.  This comming Saturday would have been your birthday.  I miss you so much.  I wish I could send mail to heaven but even more I wish heaven could send mail back.

I know that you are whole now.  No more head changes, no more darkness no more mean nasty diaper rash.  What a beautiful place to be.  How much do you love grandma Linda, I bet she can't enough of you!  Have you met Jason yet?  What about grandpa Jenkins?  what a hoot they are!

And though I know you are in the best place, I ache to hold you again, to play with your sweet little toes and kiss your cheeks.  I miss the sound of your cry and your baby bird face when you knew you were going to get some mama's milk.  I miss the way you sucked on your fingers and hated to eat any food but what I gave you.  I miss how much you loved to nurse.  I miss your cuddles.  No baby will ever cuddle like you.

I miss feeling what it felt like to be holding a miracle.  I miss holding you.  Being a mom is the job i was made for, and with out you, every thing just feels off.  I walk around all the time feeling like I am forgetting something, my tummy hurts and the other day I didn't even want ice cream.  I'm so scared I won't get to a momma again, and scared that that makes me a bad mom or means i didn't love you enough for my time with you to be enough.

i thought it would get better over time, and I guess that's true eventually.  I think, maybe, it has to get worse before it gets better.  Because I miss you now more than ever.  I cried more today than I have in weeks.  It just flattens me out of no where and I cry like puking with the stomach flu, unstoppable and messy. 

I am sure this is the first of many letters I will write you.  You, my sweet little gnome, have been the most wonderful teacher I have ever had. When the dust has settled and I clean up more of this mess I'll tell you about some of the wonderful things you have taught me

...who am I kidding, I can't clean this up any better than Angus can get his tennis balls out from under the couch.  So I guess I'll do what the dog does after he comes the the conclusion his effort to contort himself under the abyss of the couch has failed.  I'll look up.  Well, I guess that makes one lesson I can tell you that you have taught me boooga.  Look up. 

I love you times infinity and I miss you even more.