changes

We have an appointment on the 29th to see the plastic surgeon. We have not been working to hard at making a decision about what kind of surgical intervention we might do until we meet with him. It's very possible he could identify significant risks or benefits that we have not even thought off. Our appointment is at 9:15 am. Because of traffic that will be an early morning for the Fords. I am excited to see what he has to say, but nervous too. Over the past few weeks I have begun to grow attached to the idea that we might not have to do dressing changes someday.

there are a lot of things i have gotten attached to lately. One of them was the ease of having someone i could trust and depend on to take care of Gideon while i worked.

all good things must come to an end, I guess. Gideon's babysitter, and my dear friend, has made a decision that what is best for her and her family is to stop being Gideon's full time baby sitter. i can't be mad at her. she is doing what good moms do, setting boundaries, making her daughter the priority. It has been a huge blessing to have her in Gideon's life, and I am happy that she will still be a part of our lives, as my friend. A role that for the both of us, right now, is the best role. She is giving us time to find someone (or some ones) else but as I don't want to take advantage of that- so the search has begun.

I have been grappling with this change for a few days now and have come to the conclusion that it is not finding a new day care provider that is so difficult for me. Finding a new day care provider is incontinent when you have a normal baby and what I am having to wrestle with is what it means to not have a normal baby.

My friend made some suggestions about Gideon’s care. She recommended not going for a home day care setting but finding someone who can come to our house and not only care for him but work with him to build upon what his developmental and physical therapies are doing. He takes a lot of energy, so much that someone who has other kids might not be able to meet his needs.

I have a special needs child. I know, we have covered this before, but that is the way the grieving process works. It happens in layers, in stages. Little things that bring you closer to the awareness of what you are loosing or have lost.

Loosing her or not, I can’t help but think this family was coming to a place of crisis. I’ve been struggling at work a lot. It takes so much energy and I feel like all I do is work and take care of Gideon and I am not doing a good job at either. My job continues to demand more and more of my time and emotional energy just when I need those resources for Gideon. My frustration tolerance is crap. The other night I yelled at Gideon because he could not seem to latch.

I really don’t want to be a mom who yells at her ten month old because he is hungry and tired.

Its not just about finding a new day care provider. It might be about forging a whole new life. Its about deciding if David should find a new job, leaving the one he has had since he graduated high school so I can leave my job, or at least work part time. Should we consider moving closer to my family so we can have a bigger support network? What does that mean leaving behind? A church family we adore, friends who have become family to us, and a host of other things.

How can we even begin to afford a day care provider who will meet his special needs, plus the mounting costs of his medical supplies and possible surgery?

I wish I could say I have serene peace. In the Word of God I know there are answers. In prayer and listening to his voice I know there are answers.

Right now I just have to turn down the volume to the panic record in my brain to be able to even begin to hear God out. And then I remember, I have to trust him to do that too.

So I pray “Lord help me to feel your peace instead of the weight of the circumstances in my life crushing “my” dreams. Show my your dreams for me. Show me the job you made me for. Give us courage if we are to go a new route, sustain us if we are to maintain the old one and give the wisdom to know which path to take.”