My help comes from the Lord.

Ezra had his first bath yesterday.  My sweet, round headed, tons of beautiful dark hair son lost his umbilical stub on Monday and was smelling like sour milk.

Ezra Louis was born May 18 at 1:09 in the morning after a week of agonizing about being induced, a week of yelling at God, pouting because Ezra's birth was not supposed to be this way.  It was supposed to be normal.  No tough decisions, go in to labor on my own, rock it like a crunchy mom with no meds, put him right on my tummy not on a warmer, wait to cut the cord kind of normal birth.  David and I had talked a long time about how we needed this birth to be different than Gideon's.  We needed some healing, healing that comes from an experience not saturated in hurt and loss. We'd made all the plans to make it so, different hospital, different doctor.

For the most part, Ezra had a wonderful birth.  Despite being induced, I was able to labor and deliver pain medication free, I moved, I breathed, I even did some squatting.  According to my husband I was amazing.
I'm pretty proud that I didn't drop the "F" bomb.  Not once.  I did however, during several contractions in a row, beg the nurse not to hand my baby to me wearing a hat.

The first time I saw Gideon, he was wearing a hat. I held him and admired his sweet little face in blissful ignorance.  Family filtered out, NICU doctors filtered in.  Then they took off his hat.  No one had told me about the severity of Gideon's brain malformation.  No one warned me that a very large portion of brain and spinal chord was puffed out from the back of his head.  It is a moment branded in me, sitting there marveling, somewhat dissociated at the blatant visibility of my son's brain.

No hats. "Please don't give him to me with a hat on" I begged.  She smiled and said "no hat".

24 hours of cervidil, 13 hours of labor, two times in the labor tub, ten minutes of pushing and he was there. 7 lbs 11.5 oz and 20 and 3/4 inches of perfect.

Ezra was wonderful, healthy and beautiful and I should have fallen madly in love.  I was supposed to fall madly in love, that's the normal response, but what has washed over me in the past week has more often been sadness, fear and even some disappointment.  Some pain, and a lot of worry.  Worry because Ezra would not nurse, from his biliruben to his blood sugar he has struggled to latch.  Angry because Ezra was supposed to be my "normal" baby.  My "everything is perfect because God 'owes' me that in this baby".   I have cried many, many tears over this past week.

I missed the memo that normal newborns are hard, that normal newborns sometimes struggle to nurse, and that normal new mom's often feel some sadness and postpartum anxiety.

And, like a little child sometimes I need things repeated.  God will give me what I need, when I need it.  He will use everything for his good if I will allow him too and Ezra is my perfect baby because he was given to me by my Father, just like his brother Gideon.  And I do love him, but it has taken some time.  More time than I expected, just like nursing has taken more time and many more detours than I expected.

It has been a journey of the unexpected this past few weeks, including how giving my little Ezra a bath, brought me back to my last morning with Gideon. One of the very last things we did with Gideon was give him a bath, in my big farm sink that I knew from the first day we looked at this house would be the perfect placed to bathe my babies.

As I reflect on washing Ezra's little hands and feet and all the parts in between, I have been reminded that as people of faith we've been washed in something much more potent than water.  We have been washed in the blood of our savior.  So I must come to terms with the notion that these new experiences with Ezra, may be saturated in some pain.  But our healing isn't born out of the lack of pain and grief in our new experiences, it comes from recognizing that the the blood we have been washed in also saturates our lives with the power to birth joy from the grief.

Ezra reminds me that no experience, no perfect nursing baby, no perfect birth "heals" me.  Only God heals me.  And I still need him to.  My help comes from the Lord.

the other side

Its hard to believe that two years ago I was doing the same thing. Yesterday I made an appointment for and ultrasound. A routine, twenty week, gestational age, screen for abnormalities, ultrasound. I was surprised by how emotional it was, just calling to make an appointment. I chose a different location, it was a relief to know that was even and option. I have some pretty strong emotions when it comes to ultrasounds, But baby number two is on the way and hopefully this ultrasound will put some fears to rest.

Two years might as well be two decades ago. I know that all babies turn their parents lives upside down, that even if that ultrasound two years ago had been perfect and everything was all right we would still be two very different people two years later. It would be a different kind of different though. This is the kind of different that makes it almost impossible to put all the fears to rest.

My faith tells me that God will carry me. He has through all of this. But my experience warns me that it may not be easy. God's grace will heal me, but healing is not the absence of pain, is the process of going through it to the other side. And some days I reminded, I'm not so close to the other side as I'd like to be.

Today a friend asked me to connect with a friend. A family who has been given a diagnosis that, in the natural, will claim their baby's life. She shared that this family is considering terminating the pregnancy but has not been able to find a hospital that will do the procedure. For those of you who know me personally and any of you who have followed this blog for any amount of time, its no secret that I feel very strongly about the value of every life, and that I am an advocate for the unborn. But here I walk onto fragile ground.

How can I communicate to this family how much I believe that choosing life is the best choice with out communicating judgment?

I remember that moment when they offered us the choice to terminate my pregnancy. To abort Gideon. I remember saying no, from a place of obedience. But I also remember the turmoil and the pain of those days, vividly. I want to find her and plead with her to choose life for her baby, I want to share my story and the story of others who have carried babies with terminal conditions. I want her to see that it was worth it, even if I had only held Gideon for an instant. But I also need to respect her choice as a mother and a person and offer her the support and compassion that my heart cries to give. I hope and I pray that she chooses life, not because it agrees with my opinion, but because in my heart, I know how grateful I am to have been given every gift that was Gideon’s life and his passing, and my heart grieves for those who would go through the pain of the loss and miss out on the gift that is the life.

on the couch

Hello to you all from the couch. Its been a long, long time since I have mustered the sensibility to collect my thoughts into something that could resemble a blog post. Work has been absolutely crazy these past few months. I have a new boss, who is wonderful and challenges me in so many ways. the upside = becoming a better clinician and coworker. The downside = it's hard work and I'm still working out my equilibrium in a new system.

Because I've been working so hard to get my new groove on, I’ve been pretty stressed out, and therefore pretty scattered.

even now, I’m standing in the middle of the round a bout trying to figure what exit to take.

I guess I’ll start with the reason for the couch sitting. the MANDITORY couch sitting. I am 9 weeks pregnant. We found out a week or so ago and let some close family and friends know. We got the word out the old fashion way-word of mouth. I wasn't planning on going public quite this fast. then yesterday it started to look like i was having a miscarriage.

200 miles from my doctor. 3 hours from home. I called Doc and she said to come in as fast as i could get there. I called my boss so she could cancel my appointment with a family later that day. And i called David, sobbing.

The three hour drive did give me time to think. I went the cycle of pity, anger, and hurt. Thank goodness my coworker (who shall remained unnamed to protect the innocent) turned on the radar detector and put the pedal to the medal home. It’s a little embarrassing to sob in front of your coworker. I mean we work in the business of feelings, but still…

In the end, I had to come to the same conclusion I usually do. God is faithful. He will not let a hurt come into my life that he does not have a plan for how to use for his kingdom.

But man, yesterday I was pretty tired of working for His kingdom and wanted some little bit of happiness for my family. (I write that with a little bit of a glance over my shoulder…its raining and that means lightning might not be far away). Thank goodness that what we feel, and sometimes think, in the process of growing is looked upon through a lens of mercy.

We waited for a short time and the doctor did and ultrasound. wouldn’t you know that little olive size stinker…I swear she waved at us. All head and little bitty arms and legs. She did a brief exam and determined that my cervix was closed and declared I was not to work tomorrow, or the next day for that matter. Bed rest until a least a week when she will see me again.

I think I heard her right and I am not even allowed to bathe. For those of you who might come and visit me, I apologize in advance.

David will still be flying to Virginia to visit his sister and his brand new baby niece. I am requesting that he does. He needs some time with baby Hannah. I’m very disappointed I can’t go and see Hannah and my brave Kelsi Grace (my oldest niece who will be very shortly headed to Germany with the Air Force)

in the long run, this couch and I will be glad for it when this moment has passed and they day comes that I will be sitting in this same spot nursing another little one, just like her (or his) big brother.

one line. not two.

one line.  not two.

It occurs to me, just now, that it’s not just about wanting to be pregnant. That feeling I get in my chest when I see pregnant women, or when I have to swallow that lump to be able to express the genuine happiness I have for others who are so blessed.   It’s not that being around pregnant women makes me jealous, that being around those with healthy babies makes me envious.

Pregnant women, small babies, force me to confront my loss. Not being pregnant forces me to confront my loss. Not just the loss of Gideon, but all of the other losses that awful waffle pile upon that loss.

I can’t even begin to list them all, all the things I have lost. I don’t want to get fooled in to thinking that when I get pregnant, if I get pregnant again, everything will be ok. It’s just not so. I won’t magically stop missing Gideon so much it aches, I won’t be excited and happy.

More likely I will simply have to, yet again confront more losses. I will never be the same. I wouldn't want to be the same. But that doesn’t always make this process hurt less. Because it does hurt. It hurts physically, the tidal wave of emotions, the sadness and the tears, overflow tsunami like into my stomach, my joints, my head and I am physically impacted by this grief.

Being pregnant will not fix this. I will not “fill” me. And I feel guilty because I know women who have never gotten to bepregnant. Suddenly I just feel selfish for wanting more, when I have already been given more than I deserve. 

but with each negative test (all three of them since testing has even been meaningful she says to highlight just how neurotic she is really being...) fear creeps in. 

and I am challenged once again to turn it over to the one who conquers all fear and replaces it with perfect love.  the One who can fix me, who can fill me. 

Monday night David and I had a conversation about the Israelites in the dessert.  (Exodus 17) They were so ungrateful.  They said "God, you brought us out here to die.  We ain't got not water and we are going to die.  we could have done that in slavery" well, that's the paraphrased version.  I don't want to be ungrateful.  I am so blessed to be Gideon's momma, more blessed that i have ever been.  But I questioned God, i became like the Israelites while criticizing them. Water, seriously they are griping about water.  I want a baby, i want to stop hurting, now that is something to gripe about.  I was angry that God gave them water, but he won't give me something a simple as another pregnancy.  two lines, that's all I'm asking!  This was hard for David to understand, he is a very cognitive person, and for a moment he spoke Vulcan and i Klingon.  his heart broke for me because he couldn't see how i could see the blessing and be whining like the Israelites all at the same time. 

But my head knowing i am blessed doesn't always stop my heart from aching, anymore than being grateful to survive a car accident will make those broken bones and whiplash go away any faster. 

Like the Israelites in the dessert I am thirsty.  What I will learn from them is that God is faithful and He will quench my thirst.  And like the Israelites, i am sure i will be surprised where the water comes from. 

fireflies: Who'd of thunk a bunch of bugs trying to get lucky would be so awe inspiring?

In all reality I am not functioning nearly as well as I appear to be. I cry all the time, every day. Even at that I don't really cry enough. For the past week I’ve been fantasizing about pounding my fists on the ground above where is little body is laid to rest and just screaming. Screaming at the earth because it gets to hold him and i do not.

but i don't, I’ve been much too lady like in my crying and i think the stress hormones are beginning to build up in my system. my stomach hurts all the time, my joints hurt and i am ALWAYS tired.

I am not a huge fan of Sunday's, generally speaking. Sunday's are my workweek Mondays, i usually to into church for the early service and share a quick lunch and maybe some chill time with David and then off to work. My Sunday's at work are all sessions, family therapy and meeting with kids so i don't even remotely ease into my week. to top that off, Gideon passed away on a Sunday morning.

we were supposed to be on the worship team that Sunday. I remember calling our pastor to let him know Gideon just didn't seem right and we were going to stay home with him around 8:30. with in the hour he was gone.

This past Sunday, yesterday makes three months since my mighty little warrior was welcomed into heaven. I am sure with a trumpet blast and some might shouts.

down here i am tempted just to break the pottery.

David and i joined the worship team yesterday, our scheduled day, from a schedule made long before we could even know the sad anniversary yesterday would mark. I had a hunch it was going to be a rough day and so i girded my loins so to speak.

I showed up for work and my very thoughtful coworker had stocked the fridge with some sugar free chocolate (I'm on a weight loss journey but that's a different story) with a little note. I chose my sessions carefully and made it through the day with my tear ducts still intact. By 8:30 my notes were done and i was out the door making my typical bee line for my car.

but something slowed my hasty dash to the car, slowed it to a stop.

lightning bugs. i was suddenly stunned by how beautiful they were, making the twilight sparkle, little orbs of light rising magical from the ground. Something about them, I don't know what reminded me that God keeps his promises, and for a moment, for a short ride home, i was peaceful, still and even a little bit happy.

For me, lately, those moments are a rarity, and I am grateful for them. I was reminded of at least one thing I gleaned fighting to focus against my own distracted mind.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. Heb10.23.NIV

strawberries, jazz and shrapnel

The first time we went to the local strawberry jazz festival they had a pet costume contest.  We wanted to borrow our friends dog who has almost mirror image markings as Angus, but alas Leftie was busy for the day and one blues brother just isn't winning material.  Curse that tea cup Chihuahua!

This past Sunday was the strawberry jazz festival, and David and his juggling partner, the duo known as "Rave and Dave" performed for the second year in a row.  From what i hear they had a good crowd.  I wouldn't know because I had to work, like i do every Sunday.  Its probably for the best.  I would have spent the whole time thinking about last year's strawberry jazz festival, an event, in a long line of many, that will mark a new kind of milestone in our lives as parents of a baby in heaven.  

Last years strawberry jazz festival was the first time we really took Gideon anywhere.  A few days earlier I had a conversation with the hospice doctor about taking Gideon out.  Dr. Murphy encouraged us to remember that the "bug" that claimed Gideon's life could be anywhere, and was just as likely to be brought too us as we would bring Gideon to it.  "Live" he suggested.  Make memories with your son, maybe not for him, but for you. 

So last year we went to the Strawberry Jazz festival so Gideon could hear his daddy make people laugh.

This year, it was an event that reminded me I live a life fraught with emotional land mines.  Sometimes i see them coming and at least attempt to protect others (and maybe myself) from the blast.  Most of the time they come of nowhere and my poor co-workers/friends/family and even sometimes random strangers have to dodge the shrapnel. 

I think Dr. Murphy's advice still holds, Landminds, bugs, shrapnel.  You can't hold up in your house forever. 

my sweet, stinky headed son

by my watch it is 10:54 PM.  I have a pretty big day tomorrow and should really be sleeping right now.  a year ago right about now I was telling some nurses that it was time to get serious about pushing.  we were so close to holding our baby. 

I believed, we believed that God was going to heal Gideon.  That we were moments away from meeting a little boy who would defy odds.  Who would make doctors scratch their heads and bewilderment and know that only God could be the explanation for such a little boy as this. 

its 10:58 PM by my watch.  One year ago I was one and a half hours away from that final push that would bring our little man into the world.  I probably shouldn't stay up too late, and staying up until 12:28 AM is really too late. 

tomorrow we are having a party, an open house with cake and gifts.  Gifts to be giving to other babies who, I hope and I believe, might be born because Gideon was.  Because somehow their mommies heard Gideon's story and were touched by his courage and challenged to believe that every life deserves consideration.  I am excited about the prospect of loading my car to the brim with gifts given in Gideon's honor to our local pregnancy resource center. 

But really, I'd be more excited to be celebrating this birthday with him, changing his poopie diapers, smelling his stinky head, and kissing those sweet cheeks.

they were such kissable cheeks! 

Right now I am not overwhelmed with sadness.  Just quiet and still.  I made a commitment to myself through this grieving process not to try to make myself feel anything but what I feel.  Right now I feel grateful.  at 11:06 PM I feel grateful.  Because one year ago I was giving birth to my son. My sweet, stinky headed, blue eyed little miracle who, I am a little suspicious, changed the world for better more in 11 months than I have in 31 years. 

Its 11:11 PM and this year I go to bed knowing my Gideon is healed, believing they celebrate birthdays in heaven.  For those of us celebrating down here on earth, I'll see you tomorrow sometime from 1-3.